Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Twenty Trans People Tell Us What Dysphoria Feels Like and How It Makes Them Feel

By Sabrina Samone, TMP

A simple definition given for gender dysphoria is, 'The condition of feeling one's emotional, and psychological identity as male or female to be opposite to one's biological sex." While the definition sounds simple enough, it's far from being so simple for millions of trans people. In fact it's one of greatest factors in the high numbers of suicides within our community, along with social prejudice, lack of access to fair employment, housing, and opportunities.

I recently asked some of our most devoted Friends of TMP to share with us, and our cis allies, in their own words what dysphoria feels like to them. While America determineT where we use the bathroom, and speculate on our intentions, 20 trans people tell us how they feel on a day to day basis.


"Dysphoria for me is living on a small Caribbean island, and everybody knows who you are. When it comes to having an open relationship with a man, it becomes very difficult. Even though I am passable, it's hard to find a man who is comfortable dating a trans woman, openly in public."

Tori Culmer





"Dysphoria is something I've never not  had. Growing up, I hated looking in a mirror due to it being disassociated from my reflection, and my body...still don't. There is still utter disgust at seeing my body in a mirror, and panic when out, when I have to use a toilet, and paranoia that they can tell I'm binding."

Tiernan Tomlinson



"Dysphoria for me is like....I'm being crushed. I can't breathe...can't feel...can't empathize. These feelings of hopelessness, and despair are overwhelming.
I get it really bad at work, it's fucking terrifying. I don't really wanna go into it. I can become very violent. I've not yet started medically transitioning, and really want to start HRT. I'm waiting on uncertain letters, from uncertain doctors, in uncertain times. All I can do is wait."

Nathan Greig



"Dysphoria is like an out of body experience. I feel lost, confused; like I don't know what I'm doing.
 I feel so doubtful of who I am. I know I'm definitely not a man, but feel so far from a woman. It makes me look at all the things I hate about myself: my too-wide shoulders, my too-small hips, my too-small breasts. It makes me hyper aware, comparing myself to every girl who walks by.
It kills me."

Anais Majewski




"It was hard for me because I knew I wasn't lesbian completely. I hate my boobs, but I was willing to carry my partners baby because, she doesn't have the equipment, being a trans woman. We got engaged, and though we can't afford our surgeries yet, we still give each other the freedom. Instead of calling her 'Brandon', like her parents do. In front of them I call her 'Abby', she's my wife, and I'm a pregnant daddy, not a mommy."

Jaimmy Jury

"Dysphoria feels like a bad pair of fitted pants. You look at yourself in the mirror, and your not happy. Your initial thought is to remove the pants because you look bad in them. For me, that's what it feels like in my skin. I was born female at birth, and I hate looking at my chest everyday. I bind all the time, and I can not step out of the house without wearing one. I won't feel OK in my body until I have top surgery."

Aiden DiRe




"My dysphoria for what's between my legs is the worst. I'm not able to get surgery to fix it yet, and
everyday feels like torture. On my most dysphoric days, I feel like 'Wesley from the Princess Bride', when the machine was turned up to 50 in the 'Pit of Despair,' and like Wesley, the only thing that keeps me going on those days is the love that I have for my girlfriend."

Regina V. Gallico


"It's definitely gotten so much easier since time has passed. I've learned a lot. I won't always pass to everyone, and that's okay. If I look feminine sometimes, that's okay too. I'm kind of feminine for a transman, and at first it was so embarrassing, and uncomfortable, but I've really come to embrace it, because we are all  unique parts of a large community. I used to have terrible dysphoria. Some days, I would even wear two binders at once, (don't do that, it's not safe), but now I don't even need to wear one most days. I'm so much happier now."

John Neu


"I get a lot of specific dysphoria. Especially over my voice, feet, and hands. I have to really work to
remind myself my extremities are proportional, and do not make me stand out any more than any other tall cis woman. There are lots of cis women, even popular celebrities, and my cis sister, that have deep voices. I worked hard at changing my voice, and this is as good as it's going to get. Sometimes it just gets overwhelming though, and it feels like I'm being suffocated."

Erin R. Alexander



"Dysphoria, for me, is hard to describe. In pre-HRT days, I really didn't know what was going on with me. I just felt disconnected from myself. I could never really relate to my guy friends, and I wanted to be included in the activities my girl friends did. When I tried befriending another girl, she would interpret it as flirting, sometimes to the point where they thought I was creepy, because I was always enthusiastic about hanging out with them. I drank a lot in my 20's, and did a lot of cocaine. It wasn't until I was 33 that everything started to make sense, especially after a dream I had, where I saw myself as a woman, and felt so empowered, and full of life. HRT did away with a ton of that dysphoria, but now it's more specific. Now, I sometimes feel like I'm some kind of alien consciousness stuck in a human host that doesn't reflect who I know myself to be. I'm so much happier now though, despite those moments."

River Laurie

"Dysphoria for me feels a bit like this photo, it is confusing or was for me. I still look a little like 'The Hunchback of Notre-Dame', cause I slumped my body a bit so my t-shirt would fall from my chest. Also walking against the wind was not cool, I'm talking pre binder time, and since there were no packers, I also stuffed myself with socks, in the crotch that is. I am all post op, and still can feel it at times, but it is less invading, and less depressing. Like some women here, yes I wanted to have kids. I mourned that lost opportunity, but now at 55, I've accepted it. When the dysphoria got less, and surgery certainly did help, my mind opened more, and I could appreciate being trans a lot more because it also gave me things like inner strength. I am more open to things I don't understand right away, and more of this."

Sam Omen

"I'm 28, MtF pre-everything. I've always been like this. My mumsie, a war veteran, has always been supportive of me. We have mainly lived in 'ironclad red states', due to the cost of living being within
the  budget as it were. In an effort to protect me though, considering what I am, my mumsie home schooled me entirely. She is extremely sharp witted with a massive intellect, so my whole life has on the one hand been like a giant 28 year college degree. She has taught me a fiercely strong faith, assuring me that God loves me, and that the hate that is spewed at trans people is a corruption of Jesus's teaching, and to treat all people with love. I will say this though, I have no friends except for mumsie, because of what I am. I have never been on a date because of what I am. I have never had sex, or one bit of a romantic relationship because of what I am. Dysphoria is the reason that I don't fear hell, because I already know what hell is like. Hell and Dysphoria are the same thing, because in the words of Jesus on the encounter film "there is no love in hell, no kindness, no happiness. Hell is torment, a torment that eats at you from the inside."...in closing , let those who would raise cane against this post look upon me, what they consider to not be human or even a woman."

Grace A. Ashcraft


"My dysphoria, means boys will never date me because I haven't had any surgeries. Dating is impossible, because I always have to throw out a disclaimer for what they're really getting into. Trans pride feels more like a defective label, since I'm never good enough for anyone."


Jaelyn A. Harris





"What Dysphoria feels like for you? For me it's the knowing that I'm not truly seen, like I"m constantly wearing a disguise. It hits me hardest when I'm perfectly content, and happy in what I'm doing, and then I catch my face reflected in a glass or a mirror, and I'm suddenly reminded of how I'm seen; that my face is that of a man. It's honestly completely jarring, then I'm suddenly aware of it,
and I think everyone is starring at me, and I want to just vanish from existence."

Lianne Hobbs



"Dysphoria sucks!!! As a 43 year old FtM pre-op everything, it's harder some days than others. It comes out of the blue on the weirdest of times. Some days it doesn't bother me at all. My triggers are also pretty strange. Sometimes going by women's clothes in a department store, someone not calling me by my preferred name, and or pronouns, or just knowing that I am still menstruating sets me off, etc. I cannot wait for the day that I am completely post-op. It gets so bad in fact, that I wish I could cut myself open, and walk out of this false shell in which my total male soul dwells. I have a support group in which I attend, and very close friend, an MtF pre-op everything, that helps me deal with things. Love them all dearly. As I have people who love, accept, and or understand me. I feel as I could rule the world. Thank you for giving me a chance to voice my side of this issue."

Mykel T. McCown

"I'm thankful I don't endure too many episodes of being mis-gendered anymore. When I do, it's some family members that just simply refuse, and it feels like someone just snuck up behind me and slammed me with a baseball bat. I literally jump, and feel like I've been knocked in the middle of an NFL stadium, full of people, bare naked. I hate it with a passion."


Sabrina Samone, TMP






"This past fall, I let my hair grow again. It triggered quite a bit of dyshhoria. I wrote about it on my 'Every Day Trans'.
blog '

C. J. Levine


"Dysphoria used to just be this overwhelming feeling that everything is wrong, and if I could just remove myself from this shell it could all be ok. It used to be rage, and self loathing, depression, and self harm. Since treatment, and for the six months of HRT, so far it's been more manageable.  The single most wonderful day of my life so far was when I got this cut, and color last Friday. I cried so much. It was the very first time that I could clearly see Alexia in the mirror. The very first time, I didn't worry about passing, or how anyone else in the world perceived me. I saw a beautiful woman looking back at me. Now I have that moment. Now I know my truth. It feels like a little lantern I can hold up against the daily dysphoria. I'm confident that I'll eventually have enough little lanterns that the dysphoria will become just a tiny nuisance."

Alexia L. Partridge


"Dysphoria is something I haven't had much of recently. Yet, the times I feel it are on the rare everyone is starring at my chest, and that they see me as female because of it. Also, I feel it when someone is extra "bro-y" to me. That's more with random people who don't know me though. I guess the way my dysphoria shows itself now is that I don't feel like I fit into male or female anymore, and I get flustered when someone asks what I am, mostly online because I live as male in day to day. Even when people say I'm FtM. I used to say that, but now I feel trans accurately describes me. It's like something at the tip of your tongue you can't express."
occasions I don't have my binder. I feel like

Remy Fecteau



"Dysphoria has caused me to hate myself much of my life, and self harm in more ways than one should from physically hurting myself. Doing things to sabotage my own life; to make things even worst for myself, and has kept me hiding away from people all my life. I kept myself at a distance
from almost everyone, though am taking steps to try to change my social anxieties, there's always going to be issues with that thing downstairs so long as it remains there, so it doesn't matter who I have in my life, or what activities I fill my life with, the pain I experience with living with a part that doesn't belong. A part of me will always be that thing to cause me to walk the edge of a chasm. So many countless times I thought, if only I can just do it, be rid of it, from cutting it off to smashing it, already tried, and failed several attempts, then I could finally get on with my life, and breath a sigh of relief, if I survive. The only thing keeping me from being rid of it myself, is knowing if I did, then I would never have any hope of being complete and that could be just as bad as living with the damn thing. If I'm on the estrogen, I am less likely to have thoughts of self destruction, than those times I was not taking it, but still every so often I still get those moments where I feel things will never change. A feeling of deep hopelessness, and that I will never be able to be completely at peace with myself. Someday I hope to be truly happy in my own skin, be able to see myself, every part of me and love it all, and also perhaps allow myself to be loved as well. There's that dream, I still hold onto that things will be right, that I will look down or look at myself in the mirror and smile, not just my face but every part of my being will shine, no more personal dysphoria, no more fears out there, no more needing to hide anything about me.

Megan Robers

"Dysphoria leaves it's mark with me daily. I'm reminded in every corner of my life, that I can't carry my  own child. My body wasn't designed to nurture life, as my natal-female friends were. I have to fight back tears anytime I read about a friend whose expecting, or weddings, or dreams, and the only light I can see in those moments, is the reflection in the mirror."

Jennifer R. Stevens


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Tuesday, January 31, 2017

My Man Was A King.

A poem by Sabrina Samone

I didn't say yes to a man. I said, yes I will, to a king amongst men.
Now don't let his biology for one second give any doubt to his hetero sexuality, he was a man through and through.
Even through the 15 foot wall he had to carry around him, to protect the delicacies of his 5'4 frame, he was anything but delicate.
He was a man through and through.
He was The Honey Mooners meets Red Foxx,  with a dash of Andy Griffin,  a sprinkle or two of John Wayne and a whole lot of Stanley; from Street Car Named Desire.
He was a man through and through.
With Popeye arms, tattoos, and the occasional T rage, I would find myself smiling so in love as he flexed, grunted and posed.
He was a man through and through.
He relished in it. That masculinity I had fled like the final Armageddon; he swam it, drunk in every ounce, and surrendered to it with such ease.
He was a man through and through.
His 1950's traditionalism often clashed with my feminism, as misogyny sometimes to me,
but I knew I was his Queen, and felt the value of what that means,
cause he was a man through and through.
While most men lazily discard their masculinity he fought and fought for his like a Roman  warrior. Still this world wouldn't always see my man through and through.
From his earliest days he heard he was not enough,  the mirror lied, and the pain of once not being him, he no matter what,  could never hide.
I bet you don't know,  that there was nothing he couldn't do. Nothing he couldn't fix, couldn't learn, couldn't focus on.
All the things you were told of what makes a  man,  it was effortless for him.
Yet, the world would never see my man through and through.
If I'm the pink cloud and he the blue, the enemy was the white chasm we could not get society to let us through.
The hate killed his soul, with every troubling 'not enough ' thought,
of every sip of not good enough,
with every let down that screamed to him not man enough.
This world wouldn't see my man through and through.
While I carried a small banner of my people and worked like many in the revolution,
your world was his revolution.
To take him as the man he was,
respect him just as a man,
was the revolution he quietly fought.
As I, his only support and connection to the cause, he was all yours world while I watched.
Watching you never seeing my man through and through.
Why was it so hard world, to let a man be the king he was always meant to be.
Why take from a queen the only connection to her own soul she would ever know.
How I wish,  you could have saw my man, for the man he was through and through.
Thanks to you world, I will wonder the rest of my days just wishing it had been so.

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Boy Scouts of America Says Trans Boys Are Boys and Can Join

By Sabrina Samone, TMP

While we watch the new #notourpresident attack one group after the next through his Executive Orders, we have at least some good major news so far this year.  Boy Scouts of America says it will begin accepting members based on their gender identity, opening the door for transgender boys to join.

Under the new policy, which takes effect immediately, membership in the Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts will be based on the gender indicated on an application. Previously, the organization had relied on an individuals birth certificate to determine eligibility for it's single gender programs.

This is welcome news to the growing number of trans kids with supportive families, that are fortunate to live their authentic selves. According to recent Federal data by the Williams Institute, nearly 1.4 million Americans openly identify as transgender. The data estimates that there are 150,000 trans youth between the ages of 13-17 years of age. Unfortunately there is not an official count of younger trans kids for various reasons. Primarily due to the fact, Pediatricians generally do not ask patients about their gender identity, and if they do, they do not usually report findings in a national health registry.

The CDC, which analyze much of our behavioral health data, has tested ways for students to identify themselves as transgender. But it has not yet settled on a satisfactory method, and it does not expect to include such question in its Adolescent Health Survey before 2019.  Yet we do know that the medical community has reported a rise internationally, of transgender children seeking approval for transitional health care.

The shift is a significant one for the Boy Scouts, which ended a ban on gay scouts in 2013. In 2015, the organization decided to allow gay scout leaders, a decision that came months after a council in New York defied policy and hired an openly gay scout leader. Zack Wahls, the co-founder of Scouts for Equality said, "This is another historic day for the Boy Scouts of America. The decision to allow transgender boys to participate in the Cub Scouts and the Boy scouts is an important step forward for this American institution."

Boy Scouts chief executive Michael Surbaugh said in a video message about today's announcement. "We realized that referring to birth certificates as the reference point is no longer sufficient. Communities and state laws are now interpreting gender identity differently than society did in the past. These new laws vary widely from state to state." He went on to say in reference to the policy taking effect immediately, "Our organizations local councils will help find units that can provide for the best interest of the child."

This is good news for young trans boys like  eight  year old, Joe Maldonado, who was recently kicked out his troop in New Jersey for being trans. He told The Record Newspaper, "it made me mad. I had a sad face, but I wasn't crying. I'm way more angry than sad. My identity is a boy. If I  was them, I would let every person in the world go in. It's right to do."

Back in 2012, The Girl Scouts of America went on record to accept a 7 year old transgender girl in, and later gained attention and love from the trans community, when they turned down a 100,000$ anti-trans donation.

The change now brings the Boy Scouts in line with the Girls Scouts, that have created transgender-friendly membership policies in recent years.


Monday, January 30, 2017

Trans Lives Continue to Matter at The SAG AWARDS: Orange Is The New Black Wins Again

By Sabrina Samone, TMP

For the third year in a row, 'Orange is the New Black', won for Best Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series , earlier at the 23 Screen Actors Guild Awards. Taylor Shilling delivered an emotional speech that brought everyone to their feet.

Most of the large cast took to the stage to accept the award, and Schilling used the opportunity to speak proudly of the diversity of the show. She and many other entertainers, continued to speak against the recent actions of #notmypresident's executive order, that temporarily bans all refugees from entering the United States.

"We stand up here representing a diverse group of people, representing gendations of families that have sought better life here; Nigeria, Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Colombia, Ireland, and we know that its going to be up to us, and all of you probably too...to show that what unites is stronger than the forces trying to divide us," she said to a roaring crowd.
Diversity was a recurring theme at last night's awards, and OTNB its crown jewel.

Season 5 is becoming the most talk about season thus far for the Netflix series. Thirteen episodes of the new season will be filmed in a course of 3 days. Anticipation is growing to if the show will pick up exactly where it left off, or is a usual small time lapse expected. Regardless, cast member Danielle Brooks says, "Season 5 is done over the course of three days. You will watch 13 episodes and find out what happens in the course of three days, so it will be very detailed, very intense, and you better get ready, get your popcorn, your tissues, everything, for...I don't know when it's coming out because they never tell us, but sometime this summer."


Popcorn, extra pillows for the couch, more junk food, and cuddle bunny ordered for Season 5 of OTNB.


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 @





Sunday, January 8, 2017

A Domestic Violence Call Results in the Killing of Transgender Man By Police


By Sabrina Samone, TMP


A Trans man in  Sharon, Pennsylvania, was shot by police Friday night, after officer responded to a domestic violence call.

Sean Hake, 23, was killed in the home where he lived. Police has released few details except to confirm that the shooting was officer involved, and that the officer who shot Hake has been placed on administrative leave, until the investigation is complete.

The police did not say what role, or any that Hake may have had in the domestic assault that the officers responded too. Sean had been previously arrested for violating an order as recently as March 2016, according to the local news outlet, WKBN.

"He had a genuinely good heart, and he had struggled with his problems, but he always made sure that he was there for other people," said a friend.

Early media reports had mis-gendered Sean Hake, but a friend came forward to confirm to the news station that the victim was a transgender man.

Sadly, one of his last post on his Facebook page read, "This has been such a great fuckin day. First with the consult in 2 weeks, and now I just got a call from a very excited April telling me she got called to get her green sheet tomorrow. She's coming home!
God has blessed me something fierce today."

Hake is the third transgender person reported killed in the United States so far in 2017. Even though the motive that led to the death of Sean Hake has not been determined by SLED, he remains a trans person killed.

Mesa Caldwell became the first known transgender person killed this year in Mississippi. Only days later, the murder of 28 year old, Jamie Lee Wounded Arrow, from Sioux Falls SD, would follow. Our community has been heightened by the fear of bigotry following the election of Trump, and the record year of deaths in 2016.






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Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Trans Man Wins Possible First Discrimination Case in China



By Sabrina Samone, TMP



Last year young Chen, filed a complaint with a labor arbitration committee in Guiyang, in the southwestern Chinese province of Guizhou; attributing his firing to bias against transgender individuals.

It is being described as the first case in China involving transgender discrimination in the workplace. Remarkable in a country that ass zero protections against LGBT discrimination. "We found this a little bit of a shame," Huang Sha,  said the lawyer for the 28 year old trans masculine identified plaintiff. The Plaintiff Chen, said in an interview last year that the company's human resources manager had complained that he dressed like a gay man and looked too "unhealthy" to be an employee for a health checkup company.

The company was ordered to pay Chen nearly sixty one dollars(402 renimibi), for the probation
Mr. C center, with legal team
period, but rejected his demand for an additional month's pay of 2,000 renminbi and an apology. As a result, he and his lawyer went to court.

The court held its first hearing in June but adjourned when Mr. Huang demanded an examination of two documents that the company had submitted as evidence that Chen had been fired for poor performance, failing to dress according to company standards and missing work.

The case resumed in December, after court-appointed experts from Center of Forensic Science at the Southwest University of Political Science and Law concluded, there was no way to authenticate the two documents. The court's ruling was issued on December 30th.

Mr. Huang said the court concluded that the company had failed to prove that it had fired him for reasons permitted as grounds for dismissal under labor law, and ordered the company to pay Mr. C, the 2,000 renminbi in compensation. The court however, also said there was no proof that Chen's termination had resulted from the company's discriminatory  attitude toward transgender people, and did not grant him an apology.

"This has demonstrated how low the cost of breaking the law is for employers," the lawyer said, referring to the amount of compensation. "This is why the current job discrimination situation is so grim."

"This case also highlights the problem of 'invisible discrimination,' because employers can always claim they fired people for reasons other than the one they're accused of," he continued to say.



While we have witnessed many lawsuits in the U.S over the past eight years, and this is China's first, the lawyer does bring up a valid point about invisible discrimination. Many states, including mine of South Carolina are 'Right To Work' states. There is a lot of legal rambling in the law, and it is said to prevent the growth, and power of Unions, but the fact remains it also gives employers the right to fire without cause. This is where the problem with invisible discrimination comes into play, even in good old USofA.


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