Monday, May 27, 2013

A Transphobic post don’t go exactly as planned

By Sabrina Samone, TMP

We as Trans people today live in some type of post apocalyptic Jerry Springer world at times. After Fallon Fox’s recent admitting to being transgender, months later we are still bombarded by news articles and bloggers who screams her biological gender as breaking news to gain that Jerry Springer show mentality of ‘It’s a man.’  We could wear a T on our head and it still wouldn’t matter to the ignorant audience type of that style of show. They’d still feel the need to point out information that has already willingly been given. In their minds we’re to be ashamed of being Transgender, not realizing we’re not and a growing movement in the Trans* is to own who we are with pride and living visibly.

As a Trans-woman I’ve had more than my share of what are called “Tranny Chasers”, those men who see only a sexual fetish or experiment.  As a young teenage trans-girl, I was only a girl on the inside and had yet to look in the mirror and see the woman I knew I was on the inside. Neither did my mother, aunts, older step-sister or my cis-gender girlfriends. They were aware of my femininity and often responded to me as such but rarely were I given as a heterosexual Trans-woman, the advice most cis-gender girls at a young age receive.  Every young girl is told by parents, older female siblings, teachers and girlfriends, “Men only want one thing and they will say or do whatever it takes to get , just that.” At 20 when I started HRT and began to develop I must admit men’s attraction to me was very shocking, exciting and scary all at the same time. As most young girls began to realize early with guidance the power they have over a man, I had to learn on my own as the estrogen changed and developed me into a sexual temptation for all heterosexual men. 

Every Trans-girl gets the shocking day without even trying, to be perceived as just another female; some call it passing without trying. My day came on a dreary rainy day in Atlanta GA, I had simply brushed back my hair weave, had yet to start electrolysis so I hadn’t shaved yet that morning and only had an A cup at the time, when I walked to my apartment complex laundry room to do my clothes. All of a sudden this handsome smooth dark chocolate brother came up to me, he startled me at first and I lowered my chin, to hide stubble, as he stood in my face asking, “What a beautiful girl like you doing your own laundry, you should have a man doing that for you.”  Being so young, I giggled like a school girl. He offered to take my clothes back to my apartment, it was the middle of the day, and my roommate and her boyfriend were there as well as a few neighbors so I didn’t see the harm in asking him up. Everyone went up stairs as we sat on the couch getting to know one another. I was sure he couldn’t miss the morning stubble on my face and I had only been on estrogen three months at this time, so he just had to know what time it was. I watched in amazement as we talk his manhood fought desperately to escape his tight Calvin Klein jeans. We began to kiss and that’s when he finally noticed the stubble and I finally noticed he didn’t know what time it was as I had innocently assumed he had. I was extremely embarrassed, I had never and have yet in my life intentionally with held who I am if I’m being a little slutty with someone. I apologized and explained I thought he knew, and my roommate’s boyfriend quickly came from upstairs, making me more embarrassed as I now knew all my friends were upstairs listening, but grateful he came to make sure no trouble would occur. The young handsome man left and I realized that day for the first time, I appeared passable to people and of course always made sure I was “together”, from then on.

A year later I had reached a naturally developed 32b cup, my waist was at a lovely 27 inches then and my hips were 38, as a young caramel woman of color needless to say, I attracted an unprepared for, amount of sexual attention from men. During this time I met an older, early thirty, very attractive Caramel complexioned professor at a local college in town. After months of dating, among my other trans-girlfriends, you may say I won the jackpot.  Not only was he intelligent, well off, charming and good looking but he adored me like no other man I had ever known.  Though we went to plays, concerts, dinner, he had yet to invite me over to his place. Finally one week he pulls up to my apartment to surprise me and asked if I’d come stay the week with him.  To me in my young mind I was two steps away from hearing wedding bells. I had kept my older step-sister informed from the day of our first date, never once received words of advice, she only listened.  She did know that after six months of dating him, I was getting serious with this guy.

 At his beautiful home in Stone Mountain Georgia, there were pictures everywhere of him with politicians, actors and oh my god, several pictures of him with Oprah Winfrey, after being on her show several times. I was in heaven as he told me to have a look around while he showered for dinner. Don’t ask me why, to this day I’m not sure why I did, call it my female intuition, but I found myself opening the top dresser drawer in his bedroom.  To my shock they were filled with women’s lingerie everywhere, so I opened the second drawer, it was filled with tons of pictures turned upside down dated only a month ago of him and a very pregnant woman.  When he emerged from the shower, finding me holding the picture of a pregnant woman, he had to admit. He was married and I had never seen a ring because he always took it off before he came to see me. His wife at the time was in the hospital and had just given birth to their first child. Not only did I felt like the great whore of Babylon, but foolish and dumb. How had I not known to ask, it had never occurred to me he could be married or even more with a current pregnant wife. I asked him to take me home, too much in tears to argue and he dared not open his mouth on our way back to my apartment.  I called my step-sister, crying telling her the whole awful story, with little understanding or sympathy.

 Long story short, four years later after moving back to South Carolina, one day while my Mom and I went to lunch together, she asks, unexpectedly as only a mother can, “so why were you dating a married man in Atlanta?”  I was floored, yes all my conversations of hopes for advice from an older step-sister were all being repeated back home, and the entire family knew I had dated a married man. Trans-girl or not, I knew this much at least was frowned upon, especially in my family and only served their image of being Transgender as an overly sexualized homosexual. I explained my innocents to my mother, that I never knew and he had lied to me, but she remains to this day the only one who knows the truth of my innocents. Needless to say my step-sister still to this day don’t understand why I don’t call her like I did back in the days when I lived in Atlanta.

Well what does this have to do with the title right? Well because there are many issues facing being Transgender and dating. Most of us that started transition early without the support of family face a male world as a beautiful woman destined to be devoured. There are men and women who have no preference in dating cis or trans gender, and those that seek out dating transgender people.  As an alone in the beginning most Trans-people feel, as if we are the only ones feeling this way. There are men, who think they are the only men who want to date Trans-women, not everyone is on a Trans dating site or come in contact with other men that have, will or is dating a transgender woman. Recently I found this post titled, “Will you date a Transgender?”  Looking at the comments and the poster’s profile it was an obvious attempt to have a bunch of people bash Transgender people. Surprisingly the opposite has happened. To the answer will you date a transgender, which in itself says a lot, sort of like, would you date a black, or white or a gay, so you know where the poster hopes to lead the conversation, to a big Jerry Springer like spectacle of Trans people, but the answers are nearly 50-50 as of 20 hrs after the post and if you can resist reading some of the negative comments which should not matter to you in this universe, what I did find interesting is the demographics of who said yes.

Of those currently surveyed to say yes, they would date a Transgender person. The most yes in each category is;

Gender: Females 47% said yes (very interesting)

Age group:  25-34 said yes by 57% (so this is the age group I should be focused on, lol)

Religious affiliation:  Pagan’s said yes by 89% (not so surprising)

Political Views: Progressives said yes by 90% (not surprising)

Sexual Orientation: Bisexuals said yes by 90% (not really that surprising)

Relationship status: It’s complicated said yes by 67% (figures, those unhappy in relationship, cheaters lol)

Zodiac: Cancer’s said yes by 73% (this was funny to see)

Education Levels:  Current high schools said yes by 56% (Interesting as this could be a reflection of the future attitudes towards transgender dating)

Employment status: Part-timers said yes by 52% (my man is going to be broke, hooray)

Career:  Advertising/graphic design said yes by 100% (Gives a girl hope, lol)

Income levels:  25 thousand/yr or less said yes by 53% (oh my god, sardines for dinner, lol)


And the states coming in the highest that would date a Transgender person all at a 100%; Pennsylvania, Connecticut, West Virginia, Minnesota, South Carolina, Alaska, Kansas, Idaho and Louisiana.

Over all after 20 hours into the post 117 vote No and 114 vote yes


The reason I find this interesting, even though it’s not a scientific study, but that it was a post, meant to be mean spirited and even in that climate the results are nearly 50/50. Which means little to you if you are Transgender because of course you know dozens of men and women that would be willing to date you, but to those who feel alone and feeling they are the only ones with desires to date a Transgender person, it proves even in a post meant to be humiliating to Transgender people, that there is way more support than not. Imagine if one of us, Transgender people were to post this, the result maybe even more in favor of dating someone who is Trans. I’m glad it has yet to receive the perception the poster intended, but I doubt it will remain up long once he sees that not everyone is as closed minded as he hoped and it would be nice to get a more scientific approach on dating habits of the Transgender community cause as I explained earlier, we all could use some advice.

PS: No fear, I’m a lot wiser these days about men than I was nearly 15 years ago, lol.
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