Monday, April 10, 2017

Suicide or Health Care, Please Help

 By Sabrina Samone, TMP

Occassionally TMP has helped those in our community with go fund me campaigns. Two years ago we raised 815 dollars for a trans elderly matriach in the Charleston SC community. It help her get established back on her feet and she is still doing well despite dealing with Parkinsons. Last year we help a trans brother raise 500 dollars to escape a domestic violent relationship he had with his male partner of two years. He is safe, went back to school and has become a teacher. Now we are asking our friends of TMP once again to please help a trans brother who is battling not only deteriorating health, loss of job due to being found out he is trans, which has lead to not being able to afford basic health care for his Fibro, mental health, and now homelessness within a matter of weeks. We understand many struggle in our community, but we plead with all our Friends of TMP if you can donate, if only a dollar, or share this so that someone who is able to give, do so.

By Marc Jacobs, a brother in need!


One thing about me is I don't like asking for help. That's why you might see one side of me and hardly ever the other. Is it pride? No, I just don't like bringing anyone down, or thinking I'm interested in a pity party. But it seems to me that if I continue to do the same things, and be the same way every time, I'll never get anything but the same results. The definition of insanity. So I'm going out on a limb here because my best friend, and someone who has inspired me to keep fighting thus far,  Sabrina Samone of TransMusePlanet, asked me to trust her and do this. Honestly, I'd rather be doing anything right now than writing this. But my way just ain't working anymore...

I have been struggling for the past 3 months with severe depression, mainly due to my physical, mental, and spiritual health. As a trans person the only thing I've ever wanted is to be "normal", to fit in, blend in, and be just like everyone else. Everybody else leads normal, easy lives without stuggling with bipolar, addiction, and chronic pain due to Fibromyalgia...Right? Sabrina was quick to remind me that everyone has problems, nobody is normal, and we don't know what battles people are fighting behind closed doors. So here it goes.

Living with all these has made it virtually impossible to lead a stable life. This time it has robbed me of nearly everything I hold dear, and has basically ruined what I knew to be my life. I have given up on everything I'm so tired of fighting. Dealing with these issues just wears you down and makes you feel hopeless. I'm tired of being disappointed with myself, and disappointing others. I don't really want to die, but these issues have made me suicidal on several occassions over the years. Everytime I get back up I end up falling on my ass again. I have to accept I need other people, and that I can't struggle through this alone anymore. Living with chronic pain is enough to drive ANYONE insane. It's enough to make anyone feel hopeless...powerless. I've always imagined myself leading the life I know I'm capable of, and I have on several occassions so I know it's possible. But for how long? How long till the next manic episode lands me back in the hospital? How long till the next Fibromyalgia episode keeps me bedridden begging to die? How long till the next major depression hits and I can't get out of bed? These things have cost me many jobs, lifetime opportunities, family ties, partners, possessions, and most importantly, my self-esteem.

I'm sitting here writing this now while I fight off a panic attack that has lasted for days. I have slept 4 hours in the past 72, and I'm terrified of leaving my home. I hate feeling weak and vulnerable. I hate people seeing me weak and vulnerable. But this has to end now. I'm tired. I'm beaten down, and I don't know where else to turn. It feels like I'm falling through a black abyss going 200 miles an hour with nothing and no one to hold on to. This particular mental and physical break down has cost me a job I actually liked. It's cost me my car because I've lost my job, it's cost me my most prized possessions because I've had to pawn them just to get by, and it's about to cause me to be homeless because my body hurts so bad I'm unable to take care of the things I need to take care of to be stable. My business is suffering because my life is utter chaos right now. My back is against the wall. I'm really scared this time.

I have been in the hospital 5 times in the past 30 days because of all these issues, and I'm only one step away from being homeless; one step away from jumping off a bridge somewhere. I have no money, very little food, my utilities will all be shut off soon, and I'm two months behind on EVERYTHING. Everyday now, for the past 3 months, I have tried and tried only to have everything cave in around me one by one. I don't know how to deal with this pain anymore which wracks my body. I'm tired of turning to drugs and alcohol to cope, and from what i hear, none of the medication for Fibromyalgia is even effective. I want to be able to do the things I love, and I desperately want to be able to take care of myself, but every time I research ways to cope with all these things and listen to others who struggle with them too, it just makes me feel hopeless.

I'm reaching out to all of you to ask for help. I just don't know what else to do. Whether it be through monetary donations or emotional support, all I know is I'm in a crises and need help. I'm tired of trying to go through this alone. My grandma Jeffrey is 97 years old and she has lived with anxiety her whole life. Never once would you see this woman sit down or put her needs before her own. I really don't know how she has done it...eccept for the Lord. That woman has so much faith and love for her Lord I'm surprised she hasn't simply transcended and floated into the sky. To me there has never existed a truer warrior and saint than her. Right now she's sitting in a rehabillitation center because her stubborn butt tripped over a throw rug in her kitchen; breaking her hip, and fracturing her neck. She helped me in my time of need and it absolutely breaks my heart that I can't even be by her bedside to give back what she has so freely given to me, and countless other people over the course of her many years. Why can't I? I have no car, no money, and no heart to visit her and have her see me this way. If she were to die tomorrow I would be crushed and tortured by guilt the rest of my life. She's the last person on this Earth I would ever want to fail or disappoint.

Please, if anyone can help, the ripple effect would be incredible. Thank you for any, and everything you can do to help a brother make it through this crisis. I know you all have been there, so you know what it's like. I guess we're all human afterall.

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